Brave Surrender Page 11

  This journey of freedom, breakthrough, and authority in worship culminated, as I shared in the first chapter, with the recording of our first two albums and the video of “How He Loves” that went viral and changed everything for Jesus Culture. Invitations to lead worship at other churches and events began to pour in. Our sense of responsibility to honor and steward what God was giving us and doing through us led us to create our own record label, rather than signing with another label, to develop further projects and protect everything we were doing. We were not necessarily planning on recording many albums or bringing on other artists, but we loved doing ministry and wanted to continue pouring our hearts into our Jesus Culture conferences, which were now taking place all over the world.

  Shortly after we released We Cry Out, I also released my first solo record titled Here Is My Song. It felt like a big achievement, as it contained five songs and five tracks that were just spontaneous worship, all recorded live—not a common thing at the time. Because of that, it drew a lot of attention, discussion, and excitement.

  However, even as all this was happening, I didn’t think leading worship would be my life or career. I had gotten a job as an entry-level teller at a bank when I moved back to Redding, worked my way up, and soon found myself selling loans as a banker. I was successful at my job, and I loved it. I loved the stability and safety of routine it provided.

  I had evenings, weekends, and holidays off, and I was able to lead worship on the weekends at church. When invitations to lead worship elsewhere came up or a Jesus Culture conference took place in another city, I could usually take some time off to attend. I felt incredibly thankful for every opportunity, but I was so focused on continuing to become whole and healthy, walking in my newfound freedom, and growing my relationship with Jesus. He was my sole focus, and the only thing that mattered to me was staying connected to Him.

  Thanks to my banking job, I was making more money than I ever had in my life, and I loved not having to worry about my bills and expenses. I thought maybe this would be my life and career. However, it didn’t take long before God invited me into another journey of trust—this time through an uncharted part of my heart.

  Chapter 8

  FIREWORKS

  At this point in my life, most of my friends, including my sister, had gotten married and were having babies. I was happy in my career and worship leading. Some days, the idea of marriage terrified me; other days, it was something I really wanted. I questioned my ability to choose somebody and worried that I would make some of the mistakes my mom had made.

  I started dating a guy, and I went on to date him off and on for a couple of years. I think I was drawn to him because he was quiet, mysterious, and an emotional artist. I had decided I wanted to marry someone whose parents hadn’t divorced. I’d had enough divorce in my life and didn’t want to marry into it. I felt selfish for thinking that way and wasn’t sure I even deserved that, but it was a desire in my heart.

  This guy’s parents were still happily married, and I thought there was a lot of potential for us. However, as time went on, it became clear that our relationship was deeply unhealthy. He became more and more controlling, telling me how I should or shouldn’t dress, that I shouldn’t eat so much and should watch my weight, and—this one upset me the most—that I didn’t understand how things should be in a relationship because of my upbringing. He also began to grow jealous of me and the opportunities that came my way. He told me that if I married him, I would need to make different music that was softer and not so loud and expressive.

  His words slowly started to pull something out of me that had been hiding somewhere deep in a shadowy corner of my heart—self-hatred. I began to look in the mirror and think I looked ugly or too chubby. I hated that I laughed so loud and had such a big personality. A resounding message kept running through my mind: you are too much. My emotions were too big, and I had way too many of them. My expression of passion was too loud and too wild.

  I began to struggle to stay connected to Jesus while I was in this relationship. It was as if I had allowed this guy’s voice to become louder than Jesus’ voice in my life. The self-hatred was feeding something even uglier—self-pity. I began to feel sorry for myself, as if I were powerless in this situation and stuck. I was believing lie after lie, unaware of the deeper spiritual assault on my life and identity.

  Then one night I had a dream. I was walking toward what appeared to be a circus tent. Inside was a roller coaster with a big sign on the top that read, “Redemption Roller Coaster.” When I entered the tent, a woman saw me and yelled, “Self-pity!” A slimy, pitiful-looking car rolled up out of a dark hole, and I got inside it and sat down. It started moving slowly down a rickety track into darkness. I could hear the words I had spoken over myself in self-pity, the lies I had believed.

  Suddenly we were climbing up a steep hill. As we neared the top, I saw a doorway we were about to go through, and above it was written, “The Blood Room.” The car peaked and went rushing down the track. As it raced around the room, both the car and I were being completely covered in red, and I realized it was the blood of Jesus. I could feel myself becoming clean, and I saw that the car was also transforming and becoming new. Then we started climbing again toward a bright light. When we came out on the other side into the light, I saw Jesus. He ran to me with a huge smile on His face and embraced me. I also saw many people all around us, cheering about the breakthrough that had just happened.

  When I woke up from the dream, I started crying. I could feel the power of self-pity and self-hatred being broken off me, and in a moment, I had a revelation. I was doing what I had witnessed my mom doing. I was choosing a man who needed to be fixed. I was trying to save him and help him in some way, but in doing so, it was only tearing me down. I broke up with him that day and never looked back.

  After that, the voice of self-hatred still tried to rise up from time to time, but I gained some tools to help me face that monster and send it back where it came from. One was to keep a journal in which I wrote down everything Jesus said about me—every encounter, every moment in His presence, and every encouraging word. When self-hatred or self-pity tried to speak, I went back and read the journal to remind myself of what He says about me.

  The Right One

  In 2007, I was asked to come on staff at Bethel as a worship pastor. Banning had been urging me to leave my job as a banker and step into ministry full-time for a while. I had become so comfortable in my job. To step into full-time ministry seemed like a big risk to me. But I took the leap of faith! As a worship pastor, I began scheduling worship teams, training and teaching team members, hosting small groups, and leading worship for all kinds of meetings and events. Meanwhile, our Jesus Culture albums continued to take off, and we kept recording. We began taking our conference to other cities and countries more frequently. I was busy growing, learning, and trusting Jesus—and loving every minute of it.

  In July 2007, I gathered with some friends for a BBQ to celebrate Independence Day. The Fourth of July is my favorite holiday, and I absolutely love watching fireworks at night after a full day of hanging with my friends. But on that particular night, I looked around at all the couples around me watching the fireworks and felt alone. I told God I was thankful for my life, but that I sometimes wished I had someone to share it with. I felt like God suddenly responded and said, “The next time you watch the fireworks, you won’t be watching them alone.”

  A year later, on the night of July 3, 2008, I went to watch a friend perform some original songs at a café, ended up getting food poisoning, and spent the rest of the night extremely sick, which forced me to cancel all my plans for the Fourth. I was devastated. I remembered what God had told me the year before, and I thought, What a joke! I obviously didn’t hear God say that. I must have made it up in my head.

  I was so mad. I was sick and alone on my favorite holiday! But then I turned on the TV and got a welcome surprise. The local news was reporting that the Fourth of July fireworks
display had been postponed. Horrible forest fires had been burning on all the mountains surrounding Redding, filling the air with so much smoke that they couldn’t do the fireworks show. I was relieved that I wouldn’t miss them after all—and wondered about the next next time I would be watching them.

  Even so, I was frustrated and discouraged that nothing had materialized over the previous year in the dating department. It had become harder and harder to maneuver as a single woman in a growing ministry. I had run into weird things—people who thought I wasn’t allowed to be in ministry because I wasn’t married, and single men who were convinced that God told them I was “the one.” It was getting stickier and stickier to figure out who was interested in me for who I was and who was after the platform and making some sort of name for themselves.

  That September, I went to Spokane, Washington, to lead worship for a conference. I had a friend who lived near the area, and we decided to meet for lunch. She told me she had invited a few other friends to join us, and when I got to the restaurant, there he was—Skyler Smith.

  I knew Skyler from my elementary school years in Klamath Falls, Oregon. The first time I saw him was at a church youth camp, and I immediately fell into whatever love feels like at the awkward age of twelve or thirteen. I had even practiced writing “Mrs. Kimberlee Smith” and “I love Skyler Smith” in my diary.

  The moment I saw him at lunch in Spokane for the first time in ten years, I felt the same attraction I’d had as a young girl. He looked like the same Skyler I had known as a kid—but the muscular, tall, dark, and handsome version. He had long curly hair that I could have easily been jealous of. When we were at lunch, I noticed that he still had a soft-spoken voice and gentle manner about him. I could feel the peace and steadfastness just oozing off of him. His confident demeanor was very attractive. I had no idea if he was married or had a girlfriend, but I was anxious to find out!

  Despite the temptation to ignore everybody else at the table and just talk to Skyler, I played it cool until it was time to go. As everyone was leaving, I heard myself ask him, “Do you want to go for a walk and catch up?” It was like an out-of-body experience! What did I just say? I was so embarrassed and sure he thought the invitation was awkward and strange, but to my surprise, he eagerly said, “Yes!”

  We walked to a nearby park and spent two hours talking about what we had been doing the previous ten years. It was apparent that we had been on very similar journeys. They looked different, but we had ended up in the same place. I definitely felt like there was a connection between us, and I was hoping he would ask for my number.

  To my disappointment, however, we got through the whole conference and Skyler never asked for my number, email address, or any other way to contact me. I was so frustrated! Had I just imagined the connection between us? I thought about giving him my number anyway and saying, “Just in case,” but something inside me made me put my foot down. I decided I was going to be pursued, no matter what, and wouldn’t settle for anything less. If he wanted me, he would have to find me and figure it out. I said good-bye and got on a plane, hoping something would happen.

  I went straight to Los Angeles for a vacation—which I had planned for months—alone. One night I sat alone in my hotel room watching a romantic comedy. When it ended, I burst into tears, sobbing, “Jesus, it’s just time. Do it now or never. Either You have somebody for me now or I’m spending the rest of my life alone.”

  The next day I decided to spend the day at Disneyland drowning my sorrows in churros. When I got back to my car that evening, there was a voice mail on my phone from a number I didn’t recognize. My jaw dropped as I heard Skyler’s voice telling me he was just calling to say hi and to give him a call back.

  Instantly I knew that God had answered my prayer. I knew in my heart that as soon as I called him back, it was all over—I would marry him and never be single again. And then I panicked. I hadn’t expected God to answer my prayer so fast! All I could think was, Am I ready to be married? Am I ready to not be single anymore? I like being single! In my panic, I didn’t call him back.

  Skyler called again the next day. I panicked again and watched the call go to voice mail. The day after that, he called a third time, and again I watched it go to voice mail. I went to the beach and sat there, crying and trying to figure out what on earth was wrong with me. I wondered if I was feeling scared of marriage because of my childhood. I wondered if I had what it takes to be a good wife. Then through my racing thoughts, I heard that still small voice I had come to know and love.

  “Do you trust Me?”

  I didn’t even need to answer that question. I knew the answer deep in the core of my being. I jumped up, ran to my car to get my phone, and called Skyler back.

  The next month, Skyler drove more than nine hours to visit me in Redding. On Saturday, October 18, we went to a pumpkin farm with my sister, her husband, and their kids. While we were there, a stranger asked me, “Are you all going to watch the fireworks tonight?”

  “What fireworks?” I asked.

  “Tonight’s the night they’re putting on the Fourth of July fireworks show that got canceled. It’s supposed to start pretty soon.”

  “What?” I couldn’t believe it. I immediately told Skyler that fireworks were one of my favorite things and that we had to watch them. When we got downtown, the area was crowded, and it was difficult to find a parking spot. As we hurried to get to the area where the show would happen, we got in a playful argument over who was God’s favorite. I told Skyler it was certainly me, and because I was God’s favorite, He would hold off the fireworks for me until we found our seats. Sure enough, only when we had made our way through the crowd, found a patch of grass, spread out our blanket, and sat down did the first firework go off. I looked at Skyler with a grin that said, See?

  As I looked up at the beautiful fireworks, I felt God remind me of the promise made over a year before: “The next time you see the fireworks, you won’t be watching them alone.” He hadn’t said the next Fourth of July. I was instantly overcome with emotion. There I was on a random Saturday in October, watching our “Independence Day” fireworks display with the man I loved. God was faithful to His promise. I was in shock and awe at the kindness of Jesus. As I watched the fireworks, hand in hand with Skyler, I was reminded again that Jesus loves us exactly the way we need to be loved. He doesn’t always do things in the way we want them done or exactly when we want them done, but His timing and all His ways are perfect.

  When the fireworks were over, I looked at Skyler and said, “What do you want to do now?” I was thinking of getting ice cream.

  Skyler responded, “How about spend the rest of my life making you happy?”

  By the following Fourth of July, I was watching fireworks with my husband.

  Chapter 9

  HIS JUSTICE

  Skyler and I spent our first year of marriage living in San Francisco while I went to acting school. I had done musical theatre growing up and had always loved acting. Before Skyler and I were married, I had begun to feel that familiar restless, “transition is coming” feeling. I discussed it at length with my counselor, trying to figure out what my next step should be. In the end, we landed on this: I was again feeling locked up and like it was time for something new to explore a different side of me. I just wanted to do something for fun! I didn’t have any desire to pursue acting seriously. I think there was a part of me that just missed the performance side of being onstage. I am, after all, a bit dramatic.

  Of course, that year in San Francisco wasn’t just or even mainly about me studying acting, but it was also about Skyler and me laying the foundation of our marriage. We kept traveling for Jesus Culture events and leading worship together, but we spent our days in San Francisco exploring the city and surrounding areas and having fun. When I went to class in the city at night, Skyler walked around taking photos. He had gone to school for graphic design, photography, and art, and he loved capturing artistic shots of the city. In the end, we decide
d that this year was more about starting our marriage outside of the spotlight of life in a small town and just having fun together. It was time well spent!

  After a year, however, these two farm kids were done in the city. We moved back to Redding and bought our first house, which sat on three acres on top of a hill overlooking a little valley. It was a beautiful home that had been built with a lot of loving attention to the details. There was a clawfoot tub in that bathroom that had been salvaged from a farmer’s barn. The knobs on the shower door had been found in an antique store in South Carolina. After being inspired by a visit to London, we put up antique-looking wallpaper in some of the rooms.

  I loved the breeze that blew through the open windows in the afternoon. I loved the way the sunshine warmed the wide wood floors in the living room. I loved our front porch where we could sit and watch the sun go down. It was happy and peaceful—the perfect setting for God to do some more work in me.

  The Layers of Forgiveness

  A few months before Skyler and I met, I had an experience that sent me into a whirlwind of anxiety. I went with Banning and Chris to lead worship at a church conference. As soon as we got there, I told Banning that I had a really bad feeling about being there and that something was not right. He encouraged me to just focus on what I was there to do.

  The church had sent someone to pick us up from the airport, and the moment I met this person, something just felt off. He ended up being the main contact and driver for me, Chris, and the band. Over the course of our time there, we experienced a couple of strange moments when he seemed upset by us or snapped at us in response to our questions. I chalked it up to his age (he was very young) and decided it was probably an attitude issue that had nothing to do with us. I was really struggling with this uneasy feeling that kept coming over me, and I found it difficult to stay calm and not withdraw.