Brave Surrender Read online

  PRAISE FOR Brave Surrender

  I so love Kim’s heart for worship and her passion to help others encounter the love and redemption of the Father. Brave Surrender is a book of beautiful truth and personal stories that will be an encouragement and inspiration to all who read it.

  Kari Jobe

  God had a great surprise and gift for the church when He created Kim Walker-Smith’s voice. She sings with a passion and abandon unlike any other I’ve known. However, this kind of freedom doesn’t come without struggle, without pain, or without a fight. Thank you, Kim, for being so honest and open with your story. I know this book will be a lifeline to so many in their own journey of faith.

  Chris Tomlin

  What most people know about Kim Walker-Smith is what they’ve experienced as they’ve heard her lead worship on an album or on stage. Countless numbers of people have been impacted by her voice and the anointing on her life. But what most may not know is the woman behind the voice—the daughter, mother, wife, friend, preacher, and leader I’ve been privileged to know since she was eighteen. What has most impressed me is not her ability to lead worship, but her willingness and hunger to embrace growth and allow God to shape her life. Up close and personal, I’ve watched her walk with Jesus off the stage. Through mountains and valleys, in hard times and good times, she has consistently positioned herself in full surrender to God. In Brave Surrender, Kim invites us on the same journey of intimately knowing the love of a Father who will never leave us or forsake us and calls us to trust Him completely. With raw honesty and vulnerability, Kim inspires us to experience a freedom that can only come through surrender to a Father who surrendered all for us.

  Banning Liebscher, founder of Jesus Culture

  Brave Surrender is a majestic telling of the unparalleled power of God’s love. Kim Walker-Smith vulnerably opens up the scenes of her life, allowing us to dive into the experiences that led her to understand the splendor of surrendering to a good God. Read and know that God’s all-consuming love is waiting for you.

  Lisa Bevere, New York Times bestselling author

  Kim Walker-Smith’s book grants us a glimpse into God’s work in her life. For all who seek to discover their gifts, find healing for their hearts, and minister to others, this wonderful book is a terrific resource.

  Max Lucado, pastor and bestselling author

  ZONDERVAN

  Brave Surrender

  Copyright © 2019 by Kim Walker-Smith

  Requests for information should be addressed to:

  Zondervan, 3900 Sparks Dr. SE, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49546

  ISBN 978-0-310-35399-7 (softcover)

  ISBN 978-0-310-35403-1 (audio)

  ISBN 978-0-310-35401-7 (ebook)

  Epub Edition February 2019 9780310354017

  All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.Zondervan.com. The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.®

  Any internet addresses (websites, blogs, etc.) and telephone numbers in this book are offered as a resource. They are not intended in any way to be or imply an endorsement by Zondervan, nor does Zondervan vouch for the content of these sites and numbers for the life of this book.

  No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other—except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

  The events and experiences detailed herein are all true and have been faithfully rendered as the author has remembered them, to the best of her ability. Some names, identities, and circumstances have been changed in order to protect the anonymity of the individuals involved.

  Author is represented by the literary agency of The Fedd Agency, Inc., P.O. Box 341973, Austin, TX 78734.

  Cover design: James W. Hall IV

  Cover photo: Mary Claire Stewart

  Printed in the United States of America

  * * *

  19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 /LSC/ 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  To my children—Wyatt, Bear, and Maisie.

  You give me the strength to keep fighting

  for the best version of myself.

  I pray that you will also find Jesus

  in every hardship you face

  and never forget how loved you are.

  CONTENTS

  1. He Loves Us

  2. Safety Shattered

  3. Church Girl, Interrupted

  4. Born Again

  5. New Eyes

  6. My First Worship Teacher

  7. Abiding Trust

  8. Fireworks

  9. His Justice

  10. The Knock-Down-Drag-Out with Fear

  11. Love Drives Out Fear

  Acknowledgments

  Chapter 1

  HE LOVES US

  It was a Friday night in July 2006—the first night of our annual Jesus Culture conference. I stood just offstage, peering out from behind a thick curtain at the people filling the auditorium. A hum of nervous anticipation coursed through me like electricity.

  Our team—worship leaders Chris Quilala, Melissa How, and I, along with our band—was about to record our second live album, We Cry Out. This time we were filming as well. After the success of our first album, Everything, we couldn’t wait to see what would happen with this one.

  When we released Everything, none of us had any intention of going on to become a band and record multiple albums. Our sole purpose had been to give kids something to take home from our conferences that would help them enter into worship again. From the reports of youth leaders and kids themselves, we knew they were having amazing times of connecting to Jesus in worship at our conferences. The kids eagerly told their pastors about the ways they were experiencing God’s presence and love, and their response had been consistently evident in their loud and physically expressive worship. However, when they went back to their homes and lives, it seemed they were struggling to hold on to that connection with the presence of God.

  By the time they came to the next conference, we felt as though we had to help them go back and pick up again at the beginning of their journey into intimacy with the Lord. The first session usually seemed flat—the kids would all kind of stand there and stare at us like they weren’t sure what to do with themselves. It seemed like there was a lot of distraction in the room, and their faces and body language clearly said they weren’t really excited to worship.

  As a team, we understood from our own relationships with Jesus that sometimes life (stress, work, school, and the like) can pull all our attention from that relationship. Our connection to Jesus is not a onetime thing; it is something to fight for and nourish. It was in these moments of worship that the teens developed intimacy with Jesus, and we thought it would be incredible if they had a recording of the worship to take home and help incite their hunger for more of Him.

  Wonderfully, that is exactly what happened! Everything became a huge success—in terms of sales numbers, but also, and more importantly, in fueling kids’ devotion to the Lord. We heard countless testimonies from kids who described how the moments we recorded on the album had led them into fresh encounters with Jesus and stirred their passion to keep running after Him.

  Parents were emailing us to tell us how their teens were spending time praying and worshiping Jesus in their bedrooms at home. They told us that their kids insisted on listening to the CD in the car every time they had to drive somewhere, were eager to talk about Jesus, a
nd were excited to go to church.

  When we had arrived at the venue earlier in the day for the Jesus Culture conference, we were happily surprised to hear kids worshiping together outside as they waited in line to enter the building. As the first session was about to start, they rushed to the front, crowded around the stage, and were shouting praise before the first song could take off.

  Even as I waited backstage, I could feel that the level of hunger for worship in the room was much greater than what I had experienced in past conferences. It was obvious that these kids didn’t need to start over in worship; they were ready to go deeper than ever before! I couldn’t wait to see where God would lead us and which moments of encounter with Him would be captured forever. I was convinced that We Cry Out would only be more powerful and bear more fruit than we had already seen.

  Sloppy and Wet

  There was, however, one song in the set list I was a little nervous about. It was not a typical worship song—it was very wordy and contained a phrase that our team wasn’t sure the kids would really understand: so heaven meets earth like a sloppy, wet kiss.

  The first time I heard “How He Loves” was at a church event in Fort Mill, South Carolina. I had just moved from Redding, California, to Charlotte, North Carolina, which was very close to Fort Mill. A few months before, I was feeling stuck in my relationship with God. A few friends told me that God was doing good things out there, so I made the move in hopes that something new would be awakened inside me. “How He Loves” led me into an encounter with the Lord that ignited fresh passion in my heart.

  My friend John Mark McMillan had written the song after the tragic death of a friend. As he sang it, I began to feel the overwhelming love of Jesus for me. It wasn’t the first time I had felt this love so strongly, but as I stood in this room full of strangers, the words of that song came alive inside me with incredible intensity. Admittedly, it was a little strange at first to sing “heaven meets earth like a sloppy, wet kiss,” but as the words came out of my mouth, I realized the truth of that lyric.

  When heaven shows up, when Jesus intervenes in my life, when I encounter God, it can be messy, passionate, and all-consuming. Not in a negative way, but in a way that causes me to say, “I am surrendering to Your love completely, God. I am not fighting for control, and I am trusting You in every outcome.” And when Jesus shows up, He covers everything, just like a sloppy, wet kiss.

  I felt totally convicted that Jesus loves me regardless of any mistakes I’ve made, my past, or what anybody says about me. He loves me. I sobbed through the entire song. It felt as though a wildfire was sweeping through my heart. Then suddenly, I was consumed with one burning thought: Everybody needs to encounter this love! Everybody needs to know this love!

  I wanted to shout it from the mountaintops. Isn’t this the question everybody asks? I thought to myself. Am I loved? Does God really love me? I felt like the girl in the classroom, raising her hand and shouting, “Ooooh, pick me, pick me! I know the answer!” I wanted to find a way to tell everyone.

  When I moved back to Redding, California, and the band asked me which songs I would like to lead for our second album, I knew immediately that I wanted to sing “How He Loves.” It took a little convincing, but in the end, I won them over. As for winning over our audience—all I knew was that if they experienced what I had experienced through this song, they would love it as much as I did. For this reason, I desperately wanted my version of “How He Loves” to be awesome. I wanted everyone in the room to experience love like a sloppy, wet kiss that covers everything and melts our hearts into total surrender.

  On that Friday night at the conference, Banning Liebscher, director of Jesus Culture, finally gave us the go-ahead nod—it was time to start. I took a deep breath, stepped out from behind the curtain, and walked onstage.

  As the band launched into the first song, I felt my nerves give way to the comfort, familiarity, and pure enjoyment of doing what I was made to do. I love to worship Jesus. I cannot contain the joy I feel when I sense His presence moving in the room.

  As I always do when I’m singing, I focused intently on every single word coming out of my mouth, feeling total conviction in the truth of each lyric. I could sense the way these declarations were bringing us deeper and deeper into God’s presence. Spread before me, I saw a sea of faces looking heavenward, tears streaming down cheeks, arms reaching up. I heard an army of voices singing at the top of their lungs. As I looked out over the crowd that night, I knew with absolute certainty that these people would not leave the room the same. At the same time, my heart began to pound with the hope and expectation that the Lord was about to do something new.

  “How He Loves” was the last song in our set, and when we finally reached it, I could feel the atmosphere change in the room. The presence of the Holy Spirit became as tangible as the nose on my face. I could feel His love filling the room like a heavy, warm blanket.

  At the same time, something powerful was happening, and I began scrambling in my head to find the words to describe it. It was as if God had decided in this precious moment to tear down every lie that says He can’t love us. Lies that say, “You are a mistake. How could anyone love a mistake?” Lies that convince you that you’ve made too much of a mess of your life for Jesus ever to love you, that you aren’t worthy of forgiveness.

  These lies and many more were being demolished by the love of God. Every line of the song was like a sledgehammer smashing a wall. As we sang, “He loves us, oh how He loves us,” shame was relinquishing its hold on hearts; fear was being swallowed up in an ocean of grace; and we were finally believing the truth that had always been there: He loves us!

  The whole atmosphere in the room changed. Where earlier it felt like I was pressing up against a wall, I felt like now I was running freely down a hill. Leading everyone in singing the chorus was effortless, as every voice was shouting out the words. The little hairs on my arm were standing up, as I felt the tingly sensation of something happening—something beyond my natural abilities to manufacture.

  This is the kind of moment in a worship set that I live for. I am no longer a leader, but instead I am simply a sister and daughter enjoying the presence of her Father with those around her. I feel my whole body settle into a calm and surrender as Jesus walks into the room and does what only He can do. It’s the moment when it is no longer about a song, or a schedule, or a routine. It is plainly just about Jesus touching His people.

  After a few minutes, we reached a lull in the song. I desperately wanted to put words to what was happening in the room. It was urgent that not a single person miss the freedom God was offering. I reached for words, notes, a melody, a phrase—anything that might define this encounter. And what came out of me was a blur of . . . something. The phrases coming out of my mouth sounded disjointed and awkward to my ears:

  And right now, if you haven’t encountered the love of God—and you would KNOW, because you would never be the same . . . you would never be the same AGAIN!—And if you, if you want to encounter the love of God right now, you better just BRACE yourself! Because He’s about to just BLOW in this place! And WE’RE GOING TO ENCOUNTER THE LOVE OF GOD!

  I could feel heat radiating from my cheeks as I finished speaking, but there was nothing I could do except plunge ahead and finish the song and the rest of the set. As Banning came out to pray and wrap up our time of worship, disappointment and frustration began to churn inside me. I slipped offstage after Banning’s “Amen” and felt tears welling up in my eyes. My head was a jumble of embarrassed thoughts: Oh, Kim, you missed that one. Way to ruin the moment and sound like a bumbling idiot. Talk about sloppy and wet—that was beyond sloppy. You were probably singing off-key too. Everyone’s going to be disappointed.

  Then I remembered the worst thing of all: it’s all on tape.

  Wiping my eyes, I looked around frantically for Banning. I spotted him and hurried over, desperate to prevent the disaster I was imagining.

  “Hey—” I began.
r />   “That was awesome!” Banning interrupted.

  “Um, thanks,” I said. “Hey, can we please cut out that part where I talked in ‘How He Loves’? It just felt really awkward. I was stumbling over the words, and I’m sure it didn’t come out very well.”

  Banning laughed. It was the laugh of a dad laughing at his child because he thinks she is cute. “No, it was so good!” he insisted. “It was my favorite part—it was so powerful!”

  This was not what I wanted to hear. “Banning, please!” I said, trying not to freak out completely. “If you care about me at all, do not put that on the recording! I’m serious! It was so . . . so bad! I don’t even think people were singing or connecting to the song at all!”

  Nothing I said made the grin on Banning’s face budge an inch. He stubbornly maintained that my embarrassing moment had been the best part of the whole night and that all of the awkwardness was in my head. But nothing he said changed my mind either. All his assurances did was convince me that he really was acting like a dad, because only a dad would think a performance like that was good. Only a dad could look at a scribble on a paper, tell you it was a beautiful self-portrait, and pin it to the fridge.

  I walked away, plotting how I was going to convince him not to ruin my life by putting it on the final cut.

  The YouTube Effect

  In the end, despite multiple and increasingly desperate attempts, I failed to convince Banning to withhold that moment from the album. The day We Cry Out was released, I felt incredibly raw, exposed, and vulnerable. I felt like I had recorded myself reading my diary and then blasted it out for the whole world to hear. I braced myself for the teasing, criticism, and mocking that I felt certain would come.

  Sure enough, as the days rolled on, reactions to the song began to pile up. But they weren’t the responses I had expected.

  I remember sitting in a café a couple of weeks after the album released and suddenly hearing “Kiiimmm!” from across the room. Stunned, I turned to see my friend Sarah running up to me, apparently about to burst with excitement. “I have not stopped listening to your new album!” she exclaimed, her eyes shining. “I have never felt the love of God like I do when I’m listening to ‘How He Loves.’ I’ve had it on repeat for days!”