Brave Surrender Page 15

  But He just kept knocking and asking me to please let Him in, and finally I surrendered. I could not fight it anymore. I fully expected Him to walk into my heart, chastise me for what a mess it was, and punish me for allowing the negative things to come in. I was certain He would express His great disappointment with me.

  Instead Jesus came in and wrapped His arms around me. The mess didn’t even faze Him. He didn’t punish me or yell at me. He just held me, right there in all the mess.

  “We are going to get through this,” He told me. “But we are going to do it together, hand in hand. It’s going to be one step at a time. We aren’t in a rush. Right now I just want to sit here with you and tell you how much I love you.”

  His love was relentless! He did not slow down or stop when I refused to open the door. He did not quit moving toward me when I expressed my anger and frustration. He did not punish me when I needed to wrestle through my faith. Jesus actually wanted to be in the mess and the process with me. Most importantly, He was on my side. He was for me and not against me. It was His great love and kindness that moved me toward healing and wholeness, wanting me to be the best version of myself.

  I let Him into the mess, and there I felt something familiar. I could feel the pulling and the prompting of Holy Spirit, asking my heart to surrender. I suddenly felt what I can only describe as angry exasperation.

  Really? Again? You want me to surrender again? I am so tired of surrendering. Why am I even here, going around this mountain again? What haven’t I surrendered to You? Look at me! I have nothing left to give! I surrender everything to You—and You stand in front of me, demanding more?

  When I had tried to end my life and found myself saved by Jesus, I had surrendered my life to Him. When I was going through inner healing and facing my anger and pain toward the men who had hurt me, I had surrendered it all to Jesus. When I was called to Africa and terrified, I had surrendered my fear to Jesus. When I knew it was time to step out and move, I had trusted Jesus. When I was slandered and accused, I had surrendered my pain to Jesus and my need for punishment. When I was terrified that Jesus would let my babies die, I had surrendered them to Him. I felt as if my whole life could be summed up into that one word: surrender.

  Then I heard these simple words: “Am I not worthy?”

  Tears spilled out of me as my mind pulled the answer to that question to the forefront. I remembered how God built everything I needed to survive my childhood inside me. He sent George and saved my life. He saved me when I had tried to end my life. He brought me the right people to help lead me into healing and deliverance. Moment after moment, memory after memory—all reminded me that yes, He is worthy. So I mustered all my courage and surrendered again. I lay down my strength, ambition, and need for control and yielded my heart to Him once more. I brought my sacrifice of praise—the worship that felt like it was costing me my very life in that moment.

  What happened next followed the pattern I had experienced every time I surrendered to Jesus: He began to expose lies I’d been believing and lead me into freedom. There were two lies I had been believing about who I was, particularly as a mother. I had believed that because I was such a mess and had walked through so much in my life, I was not capable of being a good mom. I thought the best thing for my boys was for me to put some distance between myself and them. I would love them and take care of them, but it was as if I was always running a little ahead of them and telling them to keep following me. It completely broke my heart to realize I was putting space between my heart and theirs.

  I had also been believing the lie that I couldn’t be fulfilled just being a mother—that I was fulfilled with either a job or kids, and it couldn’t be both. Jesus revealed the truth that He had chosen me—overachieving, world-traveling, worship-leading, heart-exploding, drama-loving me—to be their mama. He gave those boys to me and wanted me to raise them. He showed the capacity of my heart and how I can be completely fulfilled being a mother and fulfilled having a job. It’s okay for me to choose both of those things.

  But Jesus did have something very important to add to that. “Don’t forget to honor their sacrifice,” He told me.

  My children have sacrificed a lot. They haven’t had routines and structured stability like many other children do. They are always in a different time zone, a different state, a different hotel, and the like. They’ve had to share their mama with a stage and a lot of people. I felt Jesus reminding me to honor them for what it has cost and will cost them.

  I knew this meant there would be seasons when I need to pay attention to their signals, and that when they need a break from all the adventuring, it’s time to stop. And at the end of 2015, they made it clear they were ready to take a break. They were suddenly irritable and fussy nonstop. They threw a fit about every tiny thing. Every time we left our rental house, they begged for their toys and their beds. It was obvious the need for a break had arrived.

  Chapter 11

  LOVE DRIVES OUT FEAR

  I told God that if we were going to take a break from traveling so much and stay home, we needed a true home. Skyler and I were about to lose our minds in the Sacramento suburbs. God came through for us, and on May 15, 2016 (our seventh wedding anniversary), we became the owners of a small farmhouse with five beautifully landscaped acres about an hour outside of Sacramento. We soon added chickens, goats, and one black sheep my boys affectionately named Donut. We then spent a year resting, allowing our boys to get settled into a routine and soaking up the peace that filled our home.

  That first summer in our new place, we spent countless nights on our back deck eating dinner and watching the boys play. Skyler and I felt so content—like we could finally catch our breath and reflect on the wild, rewarding, and often painful season that finally seemed to be coming to a close. Yet as we sat there chatting about our day and discussing the future, a nagging feeling kept nipping at the back of our minds. We both felt it. It was the feeling that someone was missing in our family.

  I brought it up one night. Skyler admitted to the same feeling, but we were quick to dismiss it. We both agreed we didn’t want to deal with pregnant Kim or Kim-with-a-newborn ever again! But that feeling would not leave me alone. It was similar to the feeling you get when you leave the house in a hurry and feel like you forgot something. Your mind is scrambling down a list trying to figure out what you forgot, and you can’t seem to land on anything!

  One day I was out driving somewhere, the boys preoccupied with a movie in the back of our minivan, when my mind began to drift. I had that familiar sense that God wanted to discuss something with me. A question floated into my mind.

  “What are you afraid of?”

  My eyes started to brim with tears. I was thinking back to the season I had finally emerged from—the difficulty of having two babies in fourteen months, the heaviness of postpartum depression, the trauma of childbirth, the trauma of close friends losing babies, the anxiety of moving multiple times, the challenge of planting a church, the stress of having multiple jobs, and the pain of losing George. The idea of getting pregnant again and having another baby scared the living daylights out of me. What if I got depression again? What if the birth was traumatic? What if my baby died? What if my baby lived but was a horrible sleeper and I became completely sleep-deprived again?

  Then I remembered my new eyes—the eyes God had given me so many years ago when He healed me and brought total integration to all the fractured pieces of my heart. Those new eyes had provided a new lens with which to view my life. When I looked back at my life, I saw a story that had been redeemed. God totally changed my perspective of my life and helped me to see Him there with me throughout my whole life.

  I picked up that lens and looked again at the season that was slowly fading behind me. I had gone around the mountain again, uncertain I could fully trust God. I had been required to surrender again—but just as He had always done, God met me in the place of wild, uncertain abandon. I saw how I had wanted to give up many times and disq
ualify myself, but God was there, fighting with me and for me. I could see myself grabbing hold of His strength as He stood in the mess with me. Together we had faced head-on the dragon named Fear and defeated it.

  I smiled as I realized that fear no longer had a grip on me! My heart was bursting as I noticed that every time I took a moment to give my attention to Jesus, lift my face, and set my eyes on Him, I saw that He already had His eyes on me. It’s a steadfast gaze that guides and leads me. I could see I was no longer held hostage by the doubts and the questions. My heart began to surge to life, and excitement flowed through me as I saw the story of the last season rewritten by the One who loves me. And as I drove along reflecting on all this, I decided there was no reason to fear anymore.

  In early October, I found out I was pregnant. On June 9, 2017, we welcomed a sweet, healthy baby girl, whom we named Maisie. It felt like a kiss from heaven to have a little girl after years of living in a world of men, both with the band and at home.

  For Maisie’s delivery, I had to have a scheduled cesarean section. Through some strange scheduling errors, the doctor kept moving the date for the surgery. This stressed me, because one thing I was really concerned about with a C-section was whether the baby was actually ready to come out when scheduled. It felt strange understanding what the Bible says about our lives—that every day is ordained and known by God—and picking a random day with the doctor for my baby to be born!

  Eventually they landed on June 9 at 7 a.m. Well, Miss Maisie’s entire family is full of strong personalities who don’t like to be told what to do, and she is no exception! I went into labor the night before, arrived at the hospital dilated eight centimeters, and Maisie took her first breath at 6:59 a.m.!

  Maisie means “pearl,” and she is most certainly my precious reward after a long and arduous battle. Having her is like having a built-in best friend! She is intuitive with me, like a friend, noticing the changes in my emotion or countenance. She is by far my calmest and most peaceful, easy baby. The best part of all? She sleeps thirteen hours a night!

  And the sweetest relationship is the one she has with her brothers. They adore her—both of them are completely smitten! They are so tender with her and eager to dote on her, smothering her with hugs and kisses. One day while eating lunch, Wyatt was staring at his baby sister with the most affectionate smile and loving eyes. He turned and looked at me and said, “Mama, I love Maisie so much.” I’m so thankful I leaped out in surrender to Jesus once again, trusting Him with another baby.

  When We Surrender, We Can’t Mess Up the Story

  I have come to understand the sovereignty of God. There are no surprises to Him and nothing hidden from Him. I have never witnessed Him step down from heaven to control a person here on earth. The most beautiful gift He gave us is our free will. My stepdads were allowed to make choices. My mom was free to make choices, and I too am free to make choices. While there were choices made that were heartbreaking for Him, they did not catch Him off guard.

  Hebrews 4:13 says that nothing is hidden from God, and Psalm 24:1 says that the whole earth and everything in it belong to the Lord. In His sovereignty, He sees and is aware of and is over it all. But we still have our free will, and I believe it is all for the sake of love. If God had built inside us an inability to make any choices for ourselves, what other choice could we possibly have but to love Him? I think that God, like us, wants to be chosen. I think He wants a people who will choose Him above everything else and love Him out of their own free will. This is why even when bad choices are made, He is already putting a plan into action to reunite us with Him and His love.

  Before He knit me in my mother’s womb, God knew me and set a plan into motion to rewrite my story. He saw the pain before I felt it and had a plan to bring me comfort before one tear was ever shed. I love that the story is still a mystery to me. I have not planned every choice I will make in my life. But I am confident I can trust God to reveal His beauty and sovereignty throughout all my days.

  I’ve often wondered about whether I can truly make a fatal mistake—a mistake that would actually mess up God’s story for my life. I know I am not perfect and am capable of making mistakes, but if God is sovereign, knows the choices I will make, and is always working all things together for my good, can I truly end up at the wrong spot?

  I really believe that when your life is fully surrendered to Jesus, His love surrounds you and provides that bumper to help steer you in the right direction. The bumper could be the people in your church family or community who notice you haven’t quite been yourself or are making poor choices. They might call you out on it or take you to coffee and want to dig into your life and find out what’s going on.

  The bumper could also be in an encounter with Holy Spirit. It could happen in a moment you least expect it—while driving in your car, listening to music—and God just shows up and changes the whole atmosphere. I’ve definitely made choices in my life that led me down a detour and probably prolonged the journey to my destination, but I always ended up where I needed to be.

  The more I live in this confidence, the less I find that fear has power to dominate my life. It may make an appearance in my life from time to time, tempting me to believe its lies again, but my heart and my spirit know better. Every time I face and defeat fear, it is smaller and easier to dismiss when it comes back. To know that I am deeply loved by my Father and that He is aligning my steps along the way puts my heart at rest and peace.

  One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 16:9: “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” I can make plans and decisions all day long, but I have surrendered my life to Jesus over and over again. I belong to Him, and He cares deeply about what is His. I may have pain and heartbreak, and my path may not always be easy, but I know and I trust that He leads me back to Him every single time and that He will never abandon me.

  When I consider the people in my past who caused me pain, I look at them again through the new eyes God gave me. It’s like looking at the world with His perspective, which is so much greater than my own. I can feel His great love for them. I can sense His pain at their negative choices. And I can believe, because I know from my own experience, that He still has a plan for their lives. There is nobody who is too lost for God, nobody who is unseen by Him. There is not a single person who has made such horrible choices that God will remove His love from them. He loves us in the middle of our mess and bad choices, and He loves us even when we reject Him.

  It was so profound for me, all those years ago, in my greatest moment of integration healing to shout at Jesus that I hated Him and then to turn into a pile of mush as He responded with nothing but love and kindness. I realized in that moment that there really is nothing I can do to stop Him from loving me. Even now, when I think about that, I feel overwhelmed by His humility and kindness.

  This was the revelation that turned me upside down in a stunning and marvelous way. God does not exist within time like we do. He is the God who was and is and is to come. He is with us both right now and on into our future. Jesus is God who took on human flesh and went to the cross to die as the atonement for our sins so we would be forgiven and reconciled to the One who created us.

  While Jesus was in the garden, praying before He went to the cross, I imagine He was considering what He was about to do and all He was about to take on. He became sin itself, taking on every single bad choice any of us would ever make. Because He was God, Jesus knew the outcome. He knew He was about to go through incredible, unspeakable pain, but He also knew He would conquer death and darkness forever.

  He knew every heart that would be saved because of this act. Because He is God, He knew me. In the same moment He was going to the cross, Jesus, who does not exist within time like us, was also with me in the very moment I was shouting at Him, “I hate you!” And He still chose to go to the cross and die for me. It wrecks me. I cannot fathom the strength and courage it took for Him to choose the cross, even in the face of
outright hatred, rejection, and denial. This is the radical, undeniable, life-changing love of God that cannot be stopped or taken away.

  This is the same love George loved me with. I think George was so full of the love of Jesus that it just came spilling out of him and onto me and my family. I rejected him over and over, and he never stopped loving me, telling me he loved me, taking care of me, and pursuing my heart. He was an example of Jesus to me before I could even realize it. I can’t hold back the fountain of tears every time I think of this.

  I want to be like George—so full of the love of God that I pour out nothing but love on those who want to reject me. In my human condition, I am not capable of conjuring up this love on my own. I need the love of Jesus to love others with. I can love those who hurt me because I have the love of God inside me. I am not made of steel—I can still feel pain and hurt and have my heart broken—but I can also keep my heart soft and vulnerable because of the love of God. I may encounter a storm and become afraid when I see the size of the waves, but I can trust in God because He has proven His sovereignty in my life again and again. I can forgive because He forgave me of so much. And I will surrender every single time, as many times as it takes, in order to keep giving myself to Jesus and living my life with Him, hand in hand.

  This is why I worship. He is so worthy and has proven Himself every time to be so deserving of all that I can offer Him. I sing even when it hurts. I shout His praise even when I struggle to believe He is good. I bring Him my heart even when I’m afraid and can’t see what’s ahead. And I sound like a blubbering weirdo when I’m trying to convey His love to a room full of people because I desperately do not want them to miss out on it. I would relive that awkward “How He Loves” moment a million times if it meant that more people would encounter His love. When you encounter the love of God, you can never be the same again.